Part 5: A town full of lazy people (not affiliated with Lazytown)

I apologize for not having this up last night. I wasted a lot of time trying to make a mspaint drawing of Mindy putting Johnny in a full nelson. After a couple hours I remembered I can't draw for crap and gave up. Anyway I should have two chapters done today. So without further delay let's get on with it. Update
Angelic Panacea is my personal hero! Image acquired.

Previously, on Let's Play: Paladin's Quest

The nomadic Skuruu tribe enlisted Johnny and Mindy to help them oppress their rebelling livestock. With the help of the Skuruu chief's son Tiger they flew to Denebra mountain and slew the leader of the purpbird revolution.

In thanks for saving his people from starvation. Tiger flew Johnny and Mindy to the MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE, and ditched them. That's right, flew them to an unfamiliar location, and with barely a good luck. Flew off, never to be seen again. He probably laughed all the way home too. Anyway Johnny is still steamed about it as we begin.

Well it turned out that hut Tiger ditched us next to was an Inn. Wait a sec; me + girl + alone + inn = me not a virgin anymore! Tiger, I take back one of the bad things I said about you buddy!

Would I like to stay the night? *ahem* Why of course I would good sir I would like ONE room if you please.

And she's going along with it! I am so going to have relations with a girl. I can hear the music now. Chic-a bow-mow. Chic-a mow-mow-mow.

Separate beds? Oh man. For six gold you'd think you'd only get one bed. A small bed. Which would force you to press our bodies oh so close together. Oh yeah, that's it :fappery:.

Me? I slept fine. Hey Mindy if you heard strange noises in the room last night that was just me whackin' it. That means you aren't putting out enough. Lansakes woman! We've been traveling together for a day and a half now. That means you have to get all up on me because of my raw animal magnetism that is causing all kinds of sexual tension. Don't you know anything about relationships? Haven't you ever watched TV?

After a sound night's rest and a good fap or two we made excellent time to the cave Tiger was too much of a prick to put us down in front of. Anticipating more adventures ahead we entered the cave side by side.

This game just loves to put you on thin rickety bridges high in the air. Usually suspended over lava.

The first of many fauna updates for this chapter. The small worm like things are leaches. As the name implies they drain your health and heal themselves at the same time.
The frogs are called Slimys they just use brutal physical attacks.

And here's another fauna update. We've got this yellow spherical thing is called a Redball it's one of those countdown gimmick monsters. Every turn it gets more and more tumorous. Like so

I don't know what happens when the reach maximum size becaue they never live long enough to do it.

To the lower left we see some guy trying to blend into the local rock formations. I decide to tell him he isn't doing a very good job.

And get a friendly warning for my efforts. Any other day I'd head in the other direction at the mention of lava flooding. I've got to save the world though, and everything behind me is basically a dead end. I have to press forward. You with me Mindy?

No I will not get bent. See, this is what happens when you don't give up the poon, you get cranky.

Well just to start with that guy lied. There's only one town being threatened with magma flooding. On the other hand he wasn't lying about the magma flooding which is what I thought he'd be lying about.

If the town's been evacuated that means there's only one thing to do. Get to lootin'

Well considering if we don't take what's in this chest it will just end up melting anyway I don't see the difference. On the other hand this is a chance to prove to Mindy that I'm an upstanding citizen with a virtuous heart, and honorable intentions. That oughta get her to uncross those legs.

Even the town greeter's out of sorts. Look guys I know it's bad, but I think you should make the best of it. Let's make s'mores!

A chat with a random villager reveals that this too, is likely my fault. Damn, Dal Gren sure gets around.

After some searching and talking to random townsfolk I finally find the elder who offers me sage advice on the current situation.

Once again there is a problem, and nobody else will even leave their house to solve it. I've got to persuade this Smash guy? I mean haven't you worked with him in the mine for nigh on twenty years? What chance do you think a total stranger would have if you can't convince him?

Here we have a brief cameo by caption obvious. Makin' his rounds in video games since "It is dangerous to go alone."

So some guy named Smash is getting smashed (pun! lol) instead of saving the town. Let's see what I can do about that with my finely honed diplomatic skills.

Hey asshole if you don't do anything we're all going to die.

You won't save the town because the guy on piano won't play your request? Wow, that's a level of buck passing you rarely see outside of executive board meetings at fortune 500 companies.

Hey barkeep before I go try to make that piano player tap out the right tune what can you tell me? Other than you won't help me get this girl drunk?

Oh brother, he's not going to help either is he? Let's find out.

Hey piano player! Play the Godom Lullaby or we're all dead and well done.

Talking to the piano player makes the earth start to move. Hey Mindy, you can feel like this any time you want, if you know what I'm saying.

Apparently that rumbling signified a rise in the lava line. We've got to hurry, time is running out, I don't want to die a virgin! Quick let's get to the inn and have one last fling.

This time I'm going to check the inn for a smaller room so I can request it before I check in.

Here's a room with two beds, but it looks like it's already occupied, darn. Wait a minute. Three girls + two small beds = Me not a virgin anymore. I've just gotta give 'em a sob story about how the inn is out of vacancies and I'm golden! Excuse me ma'am I'm really sorry to bother you, but you see.

Well it's nice to know you're dancers (woo stripers! Jackpot), but the wanting to leave right away is the usual gut reaction I get from women. Damn it I will not die with a bad case of blue balls.

Wait your sister is sick and can't move, as in unable to resist or run away? She's the girl I've been looking for my whole life! Let's get married stripper's little sister!

(What followed this line was a brief scene of incredible violence, at the end of which Mindy put Johnny in the full nelson until he agreed to help the dancers out. Johnny claimed it was the closest to sex he'd ever gotten. Mindy said it was the closest he ever would with his attitude.) We now have image!

Mindy? You're getting awfully close there. What you coulnd't resist anmore? Well that's cool. There's enough of the Johnny to go around.

Gack! Ow! Ow! Ow! What the hell are you doing? Were you raised by prudes? This isn't where babies come from! Gah! Not the noogies! Okay, okay I can take a hint!

Don't thank me lady. Thank the purple haired pain machine I like to call Mindy. Wait a sec. So if I understand you right you know where the stuff to cure your dying sister is, but you're too lazy to actually get it yourself? Isn't she dying? Shouldn't you at least give it the old college try? Oh whatever, Mindy this is mostly your idea. I just wanted to go out in some kinda mostly girl orgy involving you, two strippers and me all humpin' away even as the lava consumes us. But nooooo, you want to live. Anyway let's talk to the sick sister in case she has additional clues.

I hadn't anticipated you saying that until after I was done with you.

So she said these glowing scale things are at the bottom of this well. How could she possibly know that if she hasn't been in the well? Anyway what are we supposed to do? Just jump in?

Hmm well here's a big problem. These guys don't know you're supposed to have water in a well, not magma. Anyway, let's get this over with.

Fauna update. These things are called Smushes. Their some kinda fungus, and shoot their spores at you.

It's funny, in 1993 this part tripped my dad up briefly, then it did the same thing to me more than ten years later. I just didn't remember until I'd gone through all of it. We both searched all around this cave and could never find a trace of this glowing scale thing. Eventually you fully explore it and don't find anything except the parts you should be taking care of after you find the glowing scale. What me and my dad both did was take a right across the bridge after you go down the well.

If you take a left, south of the magma lake you find the scales are just sitting there. You'll have to do three random battles at most to get them. Actually grabbing the scales causes another earthquake.

Hey Mindy the lava's up to the inn door now. Your foolish attempt to save our lives was utterly pointless and a waste of good orgy time.

Captian obvious strikes again!

Give them to her, you mean I get to almost touch her. Oh joy! No girl has made physical contact with me, except in anger. Oh I'm so nervous.

Oh wait, I just kinda drop the scales on her head? Man I thought I was going to get to make with the rubbing.

You. Blow. Now

Yeah I guess we could use help with that too. So to recap for those keeping score at home I needed to get the scales to cure the dancer, to convince the piano player to play the song, to get Smash the mine foreman off he butt and help us save the town from being flooded in lava.

You probably also noticed that I can't get to the tavern from the inn anymore. Well what you didn't see was this other rope thing in that cave system. I wonder where it leads.

That's right it leads right into the tavern. The great thing about natural disasters is all the freebies.

Okay girls let's see you cheer the hell out of that piano player

If there is a charitable soul out there who wanted to animate just one series of images from this thread, please make it this series here. (also avatar size please)

I realize that's a bunch of images, but I'm trying to convey just how awful this "dance" is. Basically the two dancers just kinda spin around each other while walking in a circle.
Actually Korranus went through the trouble of animating this dance. That makes him a cool guy.

So girls what do you have to say for yourselves after that abysmal performance?

Yeah. Johnny for one was devastated to find out they were legit dancers and not the exotic kind.

For some reason though their bizarre stagger of a dance makes the piano man feel better.

Which makes Smash stop being such a self absorbed emo bastard and he starts thinking about other people for a change. Yes, let's fix that problem so we don't all die.

Say hello to Smash, in addition to recently suffering the loss of his son he suffers from a rare condition called full body gout.

We've got no time to waste! Let's get to saving this town, or what's left of it.

It's nice to know we have your permission to use your well, but here's the thing: You're standing in the way while the lava is moving ever closer to your front door! Idiot npc's, I swear to God…

Once in the well we get a good look at Smash's possible attack options. Shovel in one hand, pickaxe in the other, and an assortment of bombs. I dig it.

We travel deep into the earth, across many poorly maintained bridges.

And encounter a new enemy, the rockbomb. A generic explosion gimmick enemy, if allowed to explode they will do about 50 damage to every party member.

Eventually we arrive at the source of the problem, this big ass magma lake.

And for once Mindy and I get to sit back while someone else does the work.

<picture of explosion that I couldn't get a screencap of for some reason>

Yay we saved the inn and the tavern which means rather than being burned alive we are condemned to slowly starve to death after eating those who died first.

Well maybe after she's delusional from hunger I'll be able to convince Mindy that I should get to touch some boob.

Fake animated gif time

Actually when you stop a magma flow, rather than solidifying into rock, the lava that already escaped actually just evaporates. Leaving everything it covered just at it was before .

As a parting gift Smash tells us a bunch of things we already know.

Okay Mindy let's get the hell out of this town before they try to wrangle us into doing anymore of their dirty work. We'll be mining coal for years if we don't move fast.

A parting shot from captain obvious. You know, I think this Gabnid guy might have some kind of relevance to the greater plot of this game.

Time for a history lesson from a random townsperson

So Gabnid built a town in the middle of a lava lake? I don't think he's as smart as everyone keeps saying.

Wow the receding lava uncovered another pub. This town really has it all. Let's check it out maybe they'll give the saviors of the town a discount on appetizers. I could sure go for some cheesesticks.

The pub didn't have so much as free peanuts, but it did have something else they'll let us take off their hands

Gorf the mercenary!

Important info for those who want to participate in this thread!
From this point forward in the game I will have access for various mercenaries I'm going to be asking for your input on which ones to hire, and which to leave behind. Here is what you need to know about how the mercenary system works in Paladin's Quest

Mercenaries 101
In Paladin's Quest Johnny and Mindy are the only two permanent party members. The remaining two slots are for mercenaries that Johnny and Mindy encounter in pubs during their travels. Mercenaries provided much needed combat support and are occasionally relevant to the plot in some respect. Some join for free, some will want money, and others will want certain conditions to be met before they will join you. In addition, some have special conditions that will cause them to leave (or refuse to leave) the party.

Most of the time I can choose which ones I want to take with me, and when I want to fire them to get a different mercenary. Mercenaries gain experience and levels just like Johnny and Mindy do but there are two important things that you can't do with a mercenary.

You cannot change a mercenary's equipment.
You cannot teach a mercenary any new magic.

This means you are going to want to change things up every once in a while. Also, a town will almost have more mercs than I have available slots.

All that is irrelevant right now because I've got two empty party spaces, and only one mercenary to choose from so Gorf's in by default.

As you can see from is stats he's level 14 and doesn't know any magic. He's just a heavy hitter type, and pretty much a clone of Smash, who just left the party.

Okay now let's get outta here.

That's one tall staircase, ladder, whatever that thing is.

It's good to be out of those stuffy tunnels and get some fresh air. Actually I spoke to soon, there's a very foul stench in the air. According to Gorf, Jurayn, the town we've been trying to get to all this time is just over the horizon to the west.

Hey that's a neat looking giant flower. Oh hell that's Jurayn? I thought I recognized that stench. It's patchouli! Jurayn is a stinkin' hippy town, and its built around the worlds biggest patchouli plant! The no good freeloaders! I FUCKIN' HATE HIPPIES!
To be continued.

Thus concludes part four. The good news is at least part of chapter five will be up some time in the early afternoon, so stay tuned. I'm going to need your guys' help to pick out my mercenary team.